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Bathroom Etiquette: don't invade the stall next to me!

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RantRank: 2927 - Unleashingly Awesome (636 votes)

Submitted by Bones

I know it seems that I rant about poop quite a bit, but it's a real cause of issues for me. Today's poop rant is about Stall Etiquette.

At my office bathroom, there are three stalls. Why, why, WHY, when I'm sitting in the farthest one to the left, does someone inevitably choose to use the middle one, when the one on the right is completely free?!?! I'm sitting there taking my sweet time, enjoying a good poop, and inevitably some jackass rushes in to the middle stall and proceeds to explode all over the place in an apocalyptic frenzy. And they are always in a real rush for some reason. Half the time I'm not sure if their asses even touch the toilet seat. Where are your manners? Are you just trying to show off?

Not to dwell on this, but let's put things in perspective with a little math here. The stall is about 3 feet wide. My head is probably about 2 feet above the seat of the toilet. If we apply the Pythagorean theorem we can figure out the distance from my face to the guy next to me's ass. We'll call it the ass-face constant:

3 squared + 2 squared = assface constant squared

assface = square root of 13, or about 3.6 feet.

This means that my face is barely three and a half feet from your ass while you are carpet bombing the toilet. And we all know that the stall walls don't do jack to stop anything from coming under the wall and into my space. There are noxious fumes coming out of your ass, and I have no choice but to inhale them. Forget about politeness and etiquette, this is a serious public health issue.

Look, I can understand if the rightmost stall is occupied and you've got a serious case of Taco Bell's Revenge going on but under any other circumstances, that middle stall is to remain UNOCCUPIED.

Readers have left 18 comments.

1. Chris

That is nasty. But quite amusing. And I feel your pain. Some people just don't "get it". [smiley=shock]

2. #1 red sox fan

yeah it's gross! Great rant dude.

3. big man

LOL yeah some guys just like to be heard.

4. big man

BTW from what I remember from high school math, the assface constant is really not a constant. After all, it could change depending on the dimensions on your particular bathroom. Funny as hell though!

SOrry to get all professor like on ya.

5. Bones

Thanks everyone for the support. I've needed to vent on this for a while.

6. swesson

This discussion reminds me of the urinal game that my boyfriend made me play - and, yes, I failed.

7. Handicap Conscious

Hey, I bet you the third stall is a handicap stall. Isn't it? I have always wondered if I should take the hit on the middle stall or go plug (literally) the third handicap stall. If I use the handicap stall before the center one, my morning "relaxing" may become an uncomfortable one with a dude in a wheelchair tapping his foot (if he has a foot).

8. Guest User

woah, that may be a little close to inappropriateness, but it's funny, so i will let it slide.

9. Stall Idea

What if we provide every stall user with a pre-printed pieces of paper (always ready next to the TP dispenser. It reads, "please go away," and you can slide it under the door when in need. No comfortable moments in the office.

10. Sully

Nice thread. Do you know what else I don't like? I hate people who try to chat with you when you are in the stall next to him (or her). That is disgusting, and I don't want to know that "noise" is being made by you. I think there needs to be some sense of anonymity in the stalls. That is the only reason I am able to use the bathroom and rip a #2 when there are people in the room.

11. RepublicOfCambridge

Sully,
I have seen your other posts, and this one is...unlike you. You are a man of class, but I am proud that you're letting it rip (pun intended). I guess even the best of gentlemen will sound crass when talking upon a poop post.

12. Short like Pedroia

I must say, I hate using the handicap stall. The toilet is too high, and my feet don't touch the floor correctly. I like to read my news while leaning forward, perhaps my elbow on my knee, but I can't do that on such a raised throne. If you don't want anyone sitting near you, maybe you should take the hit and use the handicap stall first. [smiley=wink]

13. Guest User

— Sully

That is kind of like the strange urinal rituals people go through. You can saddle up to a urinal next to your best friend, but etiquette dictates that you don't talk to him until you are both at the sink washing your hands. Very strange.

14. Bones

What does it matter if the stall is handicapped or not? Most people aren't handicapped, but everyone's poop stinks. So simple statistics dictates that you take the handicapper in this case. Anyhow, no one at my office is handicapped, except when people break bones and stuff, which isn't very often. They can wait.

15. DCB

vent, Bones? I guess venting would help in such a situation. Just wondering, the head to ass "constant" would be roughly the same for his head to your ass so take your revenge immediately!! Show him your stuff next time :) Also, as for handicapped people, giving you a stall that is sufficiently large for your use does not mean it must stay vacant until you're ready to use it. At most it means you're first in line to get it next if there's a line.

16. RepublicOfCambridge

I actually do not use the handicap stall either. It's like using the short urinal. I am worried that, one day, I would be done using one, look back, and find a small person tapping his foot.

17. Guest User

That's gross, but I know how you feel. Someone goes next to me and everything gets heard (eww!).

18. Fisherx12

Ug, it's the same at school,
other person, "Hey! (My name) is that you?"
i think: Dude, I'm taking a s*** I don't want to talk [smiley=evil]

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