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I know it seems that I rant about poop quite a bit, but it's a real cause of issues for me.  Today's poop rant is about Stall Etiquette.

At my office bathroom, there are three stalls.  Why, why, WHY, when I'm sitting in the farthest one to the left, does someone inevitably choose to use the middle one, when the one on the right is completely free?!?!  I'm sitting there taking my sweet time, enjoying a good poop, and inevitably some jackass rushes in to the middle stall and proceeds to explode all over the place in an apocalyptic frenzy.  And they are always in a real rush for some reason.  Half the time I'm not sure if their asses even touch the toilet seat.  Where are your manners?  Are you just trying to show off?

Not to dwell on this, but let's put things in perspective with a little math here.  The stall is about 3 feet wide.  My head is probably about 2 feet above the seat of the toilet.  If we apply the Pythagorean theorem we can figure out the distance from my face to the guy next to me's ass.  We'll call it the ass-face constant:

3 squared + 2 squared = assface constant squared 

assface = square root of 13, or about 3.6 feet. 

This means that my face is barely three and a half feet from your ass while you are carpet bombing the toilet.  And we all know that the stall walls don't do jack to stop anything from coming under the wall and into my space.  There are noxious fumes coming out of your ass, and I have no choice but to inhale them.  Forget about politeness and etiquette, this is a serious public health issue.

Look, I can understand if the rightmost stall is occupied and you've got a serious case of Taco Bell's Revenge going on but under any other circumstances, that middle stall is to remain UNOCCUPIED.

I wish the City of Somerville would do more about the skunk problem we seem to be facing.  One of these days I am going to get attacked by a skunk, no question.  At least twice a week while I'm out walking the dog I see a skunk scurry across the road.  I am not a smart man but I know enough to know that skunk + excited dog = smelly dog and owner. 

I remember when I was a kid once my dog got sprayed by a skunk.  My dad had to wash him with tomato juice to get the stench off him.  So, if I get sprayed, that is my plan.  I have bottles of tomato juice read to go and everything.  Because I know it is going to happen one day.  It's just a matter of time before the little pup thinks that black and white thing running around over there is a chew toy and finds out the hard way that the real world is a tough place.

Also, skunks love to dig through trash and spread it out all over the place.   That is bad enough but even if they didn't, the occasional putrid skunk odor drifting through my window is enough to make me want to hurl.  

Half the problem is people leaving trash all over their properties.  That is for another rant...  Also I think they breed in the MaxPak site near the train tracks if you guys know where that is. When they turn that into condos then where are all the skunks gonna go???  Answer: buy tomato juice now before there is a run on it!

I don't think I am the only idiot who hasn't learned Japanese yet, but it bugs me a little how I have no idea what those apparels say that have Japanese on them.  I am all for it, and they look cool, but I cant help it to worry that it may say something completely inappropriate on it. 

Picture this: I'd be walking down the street, some Japanese woman would scream and run away,  Then she reappears a few minutes later with a policeman because my shirt apparently says, "I do little boys before breakfast." 

I mean, do the TV stations know if we were wearing or holding up a sign that was completely inappropriate?  I am sure it's been done in the past, but we are in the age where our MLB games are being broadasted in Japan.  What if I were holding up a sign that read...well, you know...something offensive to the Japanese? 

what was that about?  call me sensitive but it really pissed me off when fox kept playing "cleveland rocks" at every commercial break.  isn't that just plain rude to the red sox fans? 

it kinda pissed me off when i hear dirty water too.  its a good song and all but its got bronson written all over it. 

Have you ever put your clothes in the wash, turn it on, and forgot?  Well, I am sure we all have, and it makes your clothes smell so bad!!!  The reason I am ranting about this is, because it just doesn't make sense to me. When the clothes are washed and the water is drained, isn't the water clean?  Yeah, ISN'T THE WATER CLEAN?  I mean, at least clean enough for it to not smell?  Why doe sit smell like maneur when it comes out?  It's absolutely disgusting.

My apologies for a non-Boston post. 

Forget the other petition.  YANKEES SUCK is what makes us what we are.  Sign this to show the world.

Can we all take a step back and note that Red Sox fans are becoming as hated or more hated as the Yankees fans across the country? Sure some of it just just because we are winning and people love to hate winners. But how about we lose the yankees suck BS.

Yankees Suck was kind of amusing when it first started and you chanted it at a Pats game or your office picnic party egg toss to display your cleverness and singular hatred of the yankees. Ha.  Ha.  You're not even at a baseball game and look how you still hate the Yankees.  How creative.  Get a life.

The simple truth is -- I hate to have to break it down for you -- that it was never funny or clever. In fact it has always been quite lame.

And now that the sox are killin' it, chanting Yankees Suck at any event just makes us look like a bunch of spoiled, insecure brats. For crying out loud, were we all made fun of that badly on the playground??

I am proposing a nation-wide voluntary Yankees Suck ban and I need your signature to show your support. Sign now and show your beloved Red Sox that you're as much of a class act as they are!!