UnleashYourAnger.com

Ok, this has got to be one of the biggest Boston gripes around.  I go to the Porter Square Shaws to get my food a lot.  Those of you who know that parking lot know that it is hell on earth between 5pm and 8pm on any given weeknight.  So can we please refrain from making it worse by parking your big-ass SUV (Excursion, Escalade, whatever) in the spots marked "COMPACT CAR"?  Seriously.  Your car does not fit there.  Go away. 

Look, if you live in Cambridge or Somerville, buy a compact car.  Your SUV does not fit in this town.  I will make you a deal. The next time I can't open my driver's side door because you parked your Sequoia 3 inches away from my car, I am going to super-glue your driver's side door shut, so that you feel my pain.  Cool?

What's up with the restaurants who ask you to settle the tab at the bar? 

I am sure it's happened to you before.  Your table isn't ready, so they suggest you to the bar.  You don't want to crowd the entryway, so you politely go over and order yourself a beer.  Then the hostess calls your name, you are excited, your friends are excited, so you rush towards the hostess....then, of course, the bartender yells out, "you need to settle it at the bar!"

This is especially annoying when the hostess looks at you like your table is about to run away.  So, she gives you an uncomfortable ("I have others yelling at me for tables. Why aren't you ready, you idiot") look.  Then, she looks away from you (and your unfinished beer), looks at your friends who don't have drinks, then says, "Right this way."

Most of the time, the hostess would scurry away through the maze of tables, and your friends, now starving, chase her.  Of course, I am left behind with a half finished beer, handing a credit card over to the bar tender...who is helping someone else.

Can't the restaurant do something about this?  How difficult can this be to transfer the tab?  Are the bartenders worried that I may run away, and in fact the hostess was a fake one, and I was making my way towards the exit?

Ok sorry everyone for the multiple poo rants today but this one has to get out.

WHY DO PEOPLE EVER FAIL TO FLUSH THE TOILET AT WORK!?!?!?!

I go into the bathroom yesterday and the middle of our three stalls is COMPLETELY FULL OF POO.  I am NOT exaggerating.  POO.  And some toilet paper.  Now, a few questions come to mind immediately.  Why did the owner of the poo not do a mid-poo flush?  Why did he not do a POST-poo flush??  Why did he wait so long to poo that he had that much poo in him?  Why was he in the middle stall?  Did he suddenly get an urgent message on his blackberry and have to leave so quickly that he didn't have time to do the post-poo?  Or is he just a sadist?

Furthermore, why do this AT WORK??  Everybody knows everybody at work.  There is so much risk of geting caught, as to make it completely ludicrous to even think about attempting such a heist.  If I ever catch someone doing that, they are going to hear about it.  I will not be polite. 

Anyways, long story short, the stench in the bathroom was so vile that I had no choice but to find another bathroom at the other end of the building.  You know how that is, when you are in an unfamiliar bathroom.  No fun.  Ruined my morning today.

Ok, so I've been taking care of this dog off and on for a few years now, whenever the owner (my parents) is away.  I'm a kennel.  I walk her, and she poops.  Nothing surprising there.  But, being in the city, of course, I have to pick up her poop after her and carry it home or to the next trash barrel, which is inevitably a quarter mile away.  Even after doing this for 5 or 6 years I'm still a little embarrassed with this display of subserviency to the dog. 

So here is the thing.  Why is it that she only poops when there is someone walking directly towards me?  Why can't she wait until we have a nice empty stretch of sidewalk, where we can perform our little reversal of the master/servant roles in private?  This really bugs me.  I get this all the time.  I'm walking the dog, she drops a huge dump all over the sidewalk, all of a sudden around the corner strolls some super hot girl.  And there I am with my handful of poop.  Not impressive.  Why can't I just pick up my poop in peace?

Worse than that are the dudes who stare down their nose at you while you are "cleaning up."  Its like, they can't understand why you would subject yourself to picking up actual feces after your dog.  yeah, ok, my dog craps and I take it home with me.  You got a problem with that?  It's a memento.  I am going to add it to my poop collection on the mantle above the fireplace.  Sometimes I take out out my collection on saturday nights and play with it by myself.  Is that what you want to hear?  C'mon dude, give me a break.  Go find something real to worry yourself with.

I am submitting another rant following up on my last message.  Here's another question that I hate when waiter or waitress asks as I sit down at the table. 

"Can I bring you a bottle of water? Do you prefer mineral or sparkling?"  - Whatever happened to plain TAP water?  Why must you ask me to order these 12 dollar bottles of crystal clean water that was shipped from the mountains of France or clear springs of Fiji?  I don't know what kind of "estate" that you were brought up in, but I like my tap water just fine. 

Have you considered how uncomfortable it is to respond, "No I think I will try your finest TAP water today...you know the one that comes out of your faucet.  Yes, I know it's the same water as what your dog drinks and we flush the toilets with, but I think it'll do wonders if you can serve it in one of your fancy glasses.  In fact...even better...can you pour your TAP <dramatic pause> water into a Fiji bottle, so Mr. Investment Banker at the next table doesn't mistaken me for a pot of fern?"

I can only assume that you are asking to make me look cheap in front of my friends.  ...sigh...  When did it become so hard to order water?  Isn't it supposed to be default? 

My point is...don't ask.   I will order the damn mineral water when I want to...perhaps after this lottery wins me my 200 million.

I would like to rant about how the host or waiter/waitress asks those stupid questions when they sit us down.  I never know what to say, and it just causes weird and awkward moments.  I can’t see any reason but to embarrass me with these.   Are they looking for some standard responses?  Are they rhetorical questions?

I would like to start off with one.  I have more, and I am sure others have more.

“Have you visited us before?”  - Weeeelllll..., maybe I have, and maybe I haven’t.  Is that any of your business?  Why does it matter?  Are you gonna treat me differently if I had been here...and were a repeat customer?  Are you going to go check the "blacklist"?

...or what is it?  Is ordering at this particular restaurant so difficult that I have to warn you if it’s my first time?  Do I need to go through training first? What is so special about your dishes or your custom that I may not be aware?

...or is this it?  Are you afraid that I may embarass you in front of your other customers? Is it because I look like the type who may order mayonnaise sandwich and Cheetos at your steakhouse?  Well, I might, but you don't have to shoot me down the moment I sit down.

The same goes with the “Are you familiar with our menu?”  Ahh…for one, you just gave me the menu.  Two, why do I have to *familiarize* myself with the menu?  I know what a menu is.  It's a list of food!!  That is why I came to a restaurant!!  Argh!!