UnleashYourAnger.com

Ok, this seems like a little thing but why do they put holes in bagels?  I'm sure it's just tradition, but maybe it's time for the bagel to evolve a little bit. 

You see, when starvinmarvin is making his breakfast in the morning, the one thing that bugs him more than anything else is having to wipe a big glob of molten butter off of the countertop after it dripped through the hole in the bagel. As I'm sure everyone on this site knows well, buttering/cream cheesing/jamming/whatevering an item with a hole in it, such as a bagel, is like 100 times harder than buttering a nice, flat, solid piece of bread.  It takes quite a lot of control and knife technique to avoid the hole.

When you think about it, it's a pretty stupid design.  What was the original bagel inventor thinking putting a hole in a vessel designed for holding gooey substances, and why on earth has no one thought to improve on the design?

As Peter Griffin would say, you know what grinds my gears?

Verizon Wireless' brilliant reliability and thoughtful marketing.

First, their reliability:

I originally had T-Mobile for several years.  No problems, no worries, not one single dropped call.  The only problem was, I got absolutely no service out in the burbs, specifically at my parents'.  So, I figured, especially when several close friends switched to Verizon, why not follow suit, jump on the wagon, and save money with in-network calls?

BAD IDEA.  For the last two years of my contract with Verizon (thank god it's almost up), I've been plagued with dropped calls, zero bars of service in the middle of the city ON A HILL, and calls that refuse to get out of "calling... ... ... ... ..." mode instead of just frickin' "connecting..." already.

The past several weeks have been the icing on the cake, the final straw that broke the camel's back, etc. etc. etc.  The object of my anger, "burning like a thousand stars" as one colleague puts it, is Verizon's latest marketing ploy.  No joke, I've been getting calls from 1-800-310-5479 (a Verizon number, identified online) multiple times a day, anywhere from 8:00am to 10:00pm, EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST SEVERAL WEEKS.

It's brilliant marketing really.  "Hey, let's call up our customers from an unidentified 1-800 number, two-- no, five-- NO, TEN times a day.  But, get this, when they pick up, let's not say anything!!!  We'll just throw them our sales pitch when we've interested them enough to have them call US back at that same number! 'Thank you for calling Verizon Wireless.  Please hold on the line for the next sales representative to pitch our latest contract to you.' "

As one guy appropriately commented online in regards to that 1-800 number, it really is great marketing to hound your own customers to open new contracts with you.  It'll really keep them around.  Why would they ever possibly leave?

To the brilliant 420-smoking-'til-they've-got-no-viable-brain-cells-left Marketing Department at Verizon, this rant's for you.

I am actually surprised that someone hasn’t ranted about this topic already.  Is it too obvious?

Suffolk County Jail is the one on Nashua Street near TD Bank North Garden.  It’s a beautiful brick building facing the Charles River, a new park, Zakim Bridge, and the Boston Harbor.  It is a stunning building on a prime real estate with an amazing view.

Guess what!  It’s a prison!   Who came up with the brilliant idea of giving such luxury to the prisoners?!  I hear they have single rooms in there, and…did I mention the views?  Geez…free meal, time to read books, with an amazing view of the river and park…can I join you guys?  (I am bitter, because my apartment is in the basement and the pipes burst two days ago.)  Our prisoners already are costing enough of taxpayers money, but we are willing to spend gazzilions more on this stunning condo.  How did the city justify this expense (or the loss of property tax of the waterfront property)?

I digress a little, but whenever I walk by there, there are sketchy people outside hanging out.  I assume they are visitors of the prisoners, but they certainly make me uncomfortable.  I have seen those people waving at prisoners and communicating through hand signals and paper.  Those prisoners on the basketball courts on the side?  They cackle and hoot at the passerby. Yuck!

Lastly, did you guys know that this jail is a public humiliation of Boston?  My parents, when they visited Boston and did the Duck Tour, were taken to this prison and heard about the luxury of this establishment.  I am embarrassed to see that this has been made into one of the tourist destinations.  Is this what we want visitors to think of Boston? That we treat our prisoners better than we treat our residents?!  :)

Big Dig is embarrassing enough, right?

I loved it when those disposable toilet seat covers started appearing in public restrooms.  What a great invention!  They make me feel like I am doing it at home.  Finally, a way to keep strangers’ butt oil from reaching mine.  Yes, I know the paper is super thin, and pee or whatever is on the seat probably find their way to my rear, but they make me feel good regardless.   What are super cool are the flaps within the circle.  They protect my you-know-what from touching the porcelain and it magically disposes the seat when you flush!  What kind of genius created this impeccable design?!

Then came the automatic flush.  When I walk into the stall, carefully wipe the seat, place the seat cover on, and is about to sit down, more time than not, the toilet flushes – gobbling up my beautifully positioned cover, which was about to give me such comfort.

This is really annoying, really disappointing, and makes me feel completely empty inside (even though I haven’t “emptied” yet).  We all know this feeling of helplessness.  You just stand there, speechless...not knowing what really happened.  “Wait, did I just finish, or was I about to begin?”  The confusion sets in.  You just pause, in a half crouching position, staring at the back of the stall door, speechless, and in complete disbelief. 

Once you snap out of your denial and accept the reality, you collect enough courage to try again.  This time you are more cautious.  (However void of honor, because you already have your pants down by your ankles.) You try to maneuver around the censor on the way down. I don’t know about you guys, but my butt clips the censor, and there goes the cover.  The third try, you try to sit down really fast to fool the censor in thinking that a butt magically appeared.  Once I have it cramped down, it doesn’t even matter if it flushes…right?  Well, we all know that this method is suicide, because even if you are successful at holding down the cover with your butt, if the toilet flushes, you will have a wet posterior – in some cases with the wet flap…well, flapping at your butt.

I have always wondered this and I am sure you have too.  You know all those shopping carts in your condo building.  Those carts that are conveniently there, so you use them to bring your goodies back to your units.   Have you guys wondered how they end up there?

I have lived in Boston a long time (Brighton, Allston, Cambridge, Somerville, Brookline), but every condo I lived in had shopping carts.  Lots and lots of shopping carts.  Carts of all sizes, colors, and stores.  Where in the world do they come from, and why are there so many?  I asked my current property manager, and he told me that he needs to bring them back to the appropriate stores EVERY YEAR, but they all magically appear.   

I recently counted 8 shopping carts in my complex.  8!!  And they are all from different stores (except one).  My condo is not even close to any of these stores.  Shaws is miles away.  Home Depot is on the other side of 93.  I don’t even know where there is Marshalls in Cambridge.  K-Mart?  Didn’t they shrivel away with Martha Stewart?  What the heck is Ames?? (continued - click on "Read More..." below)

Everywhere I look there are dust bunnies!  Just when I think I've vacumed them all up, the next night I'll see one hiding out under the coffee table, or under the TV stand, or something.  Drinking a beer and watching TV.  Not paying me rent.  I just can't keep them away.  And you know as well as I do, once you see one, they start multiplying like... well, like bunnies.

Where do these things come from?  Does all the dust just like to get together and party?  I really don't get it.  Why does all the dust have to stick together like that.  Do they just come inside during the winter to get out of the cold?  Are they spying on me?  Or are they some sort of omen?  And forget whipping out the dust buster on those puppies.  Way too big.  I have to get my shop vac up from the basement to take care of them.  It feels like ghostbusters with their ghost catching machine.

I live in Somerville.  There is a law that residents of houses must clear the sidewalk in front of the house (or is it owners of houses?).  Yet, every morning on my walk to the T, I almost break my neck trying to walk down the sidewalk.  It's not THAT hard to shovel a sidewalk.  If you can't do it, hire someone to do it.  And don't wait until it's frozen over, 3 days later.  Do it while it's snowing! 

Heck, I live on a corner lot with probably 100 feet of sidewalk altogether, and I still manage to get it done.  I'm going to have to start wearing ice skates to the T from now on!

Call me old fashioned, but this really bugs me.  Is the point of Thanksgiving to celebrate our gluttony, or to give thanks for what we have?

It would be like calling Christmas "Present Day." I'm not a religious dude but even I can see the sacrelige in that.  Wait, "present day" actually means something... bad example...  It's like calling Easter "Eat Your Chocolate Bunny Day"... wait, that sounds bad...  ok never mind.  You get my point.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone

I hate this in between stuff. 

Who's idea was it to settle in the northeast?  Didn't the pilgrims learn when half of them didn't make it through the first winter???