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I put on my jeans this morning and they're too tight too even attempt to squeeze into. I fit into them just fine a week ago. You're asleep, drooling on my pillow when this happens. Disheartened a little, I try on a different pair and go to work. Work-study, actually, so I do all the mindless little tasks that stuck-up asshole professors think they are too good to do. Like re-alphabetizing their libraries for them. Then I come home again to prepare to study for three massive finals. Between work, maintaining a 3.97 GPA, my crazy fucking mother, your insecurities, your complete inability to do anything simple by yourself, constantly cleaning up after you in the apartment, and trying to stay sane as there are 10 days until the 2 year anniversary of my dad's death, yes,
I have a hard time making healthy gourmet meals for
the both of us. But once I realized that I had started stress-eating a
lot, I changed my eating habits. According to the BMI, I'm about 15
pounds overweight. It's the heaviest I've ever been. I'm disgusted by
myself and you know this.
But today, while I'm making a quick sandwich before jumping into
macroeconomics, you have the audacity to assert that "No wonder you're
fat" because I put two slices of cheese on my sandwich. I try to move
on, not acting like your typical offended girlfriend, but no, you
decide the best way to handle the moment is to get angry at me and
point out how much dairy I eat. Which would be at least bearable if you
weren't nearing obesity yourself. On the BMI, you are at least 25
pounds overweight. Then you get depressed because you think I hate you.
Rather, I'm sad because my boyfriend just called me fat, yelled at me
for my dairy intake, and officially fucked me over for efficiently
studying for these finals. I'm not mad until you decide the best use of
your time is to go to sleep. Because this altercation has been so much
harder on you than on me. God forbid I get some comfort or a sincere
apology. That would be too much. You catch me crying in the bathroom
and rub my head twice before waddling back to the bed. You're asleep
right now and I'm supposed to wake you up in an hour. I'm in the mood
to grab an x-acto knife and just slice away the extra fat on my ass and
thighs. You can deal with the bloody mess left on the kitchen floor and
explain the rest to my professors. I keep telling myself I'm living the
way I'm living so that in the future everything will be perfect. But
I've been telling myself that for almost 20 years now. Things are far
from perfect. You and I are the best part of my life right now, so on
the rare occasions that fights like this happen, my sense of well-being
is completely obliterated. I'm a model student, daughter, girlfriend,
citizen, and so on, but some days I'd much rather be a complete waste
of energy and space. Just sit on a park bench drinking wine and flying
a kite. Ignore your issues, everyone's issues, and take care of me. And
actually take care of me, rather than doing things that other people
want me to do for me. No more straight A's in college, no more college,
no more work, no more cleaning the apartment, no more writing thank you
notes to people who don't appreciate them, no more trying to keep in
touch with friends that just use me, no more getting out of the way
when people refuse to move on the sidewalk. It would be interesting to
be useless. But instead I'll finish this rant, convince myself that it
made me feel better, drink some water, take a few deep breaths, and go
study 15 chapters of macroeconomics while you snore and drool some more
on my pillow. In 40 minutes, I'll wake you up. Pretend I'm OK now.
Attend to whatever you need me to attend to before settling back down
for an evening of writing and studying until it's time for bed and the
part of the evening where I wish I'd never wake up.
Readers have left 8 comments.  1. BoscorelliWhat you need is a good dose of "Fuck-It"
2. Kumarlicious I'm living the way I'm living so that in the future everything will be perfect. — SWoah...great line. I think many of us do that. Not many people can say that they live for today. Deep. 3. heavyhenry you know, you should try ignoring your issues too. it feels darn good. well i guess that is like 'pretending everything ok', which you already do.
in a way, i feel we all do the same things. we keep living for tomorrow, pretending everything is ok, and ignoring issues. 4. swesson Hang in there!!! Things will become better!! They really do for people who work hard!! look at all that you are accomplishing...one day, you will look back and thank yourself for all that you've done. you will look back and laugh at your problems.
5. Sully Happiness is often a state of mind, so you have to find what makes you happy...and what you can live with.
BTW, "not waking up" doesn't count. ;) 6. StevenO your boyfriend was just hungry. leave him a sandwich next to his bed. (yes, with double cheese) 7. Kimimpossible in regards to your weight, just fuck it until you are out of school. When I got out of school and started to have a more routine schedule, things definitely got better. school with late night studies really messes stuff up. 8. Guest User tone down some obligations. you are only one person. stop cooking, stop being good girlfriend...you can stop a few things and pick them up again once things get better. if your school is busy, you can put off being a good cook. |
