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Abused or not, when a parent revels (yes, our abuser reveled) in their psychological torture of their children, even if they are narcissistic or mentally ill, so long as they are sane in the eyes of the law, they are fully responsible for their abusive actions. Their own abuse as children does not negate their culpability and, if anything, it makes harder to understand as they went through it themselves and ought to know the pain. I have stopped explaining away or trying to understand my mother's abuse toward us and have since let it be what it was - a deliberate and malicious attempt to destroy and control her possessions. Yes, that's right, we were things, not individuals to her. We were objectified. We were simple extensions of her; much like the way a puppet master controls the strings of his playthings. We had to play out life to her wishes. If we dared to have an opinion that differed from hers, it was a capital offense with corporal punishment the result. She was the “queen” (and had even described herself as such on many occasions) and if she had a beef with someone, we had to hate that person too. Our father died and she beat us and tortured our little minds because we dared to grieve for him and not adore her. She was a narcissist and a sick woman. She murdered our souls. She humiliated us with her slutty behavior, her drinking, drugs, and mental/physical/emotional abuse. She is dead now. Dead for 7.5 years. Her destruction lives on.
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People are shocked to hear of this sort of hatred from a daughter toward
her mother. They’d be equally as shocked to hear the details of what
happened to us, and promptly write it off as the deeds of a mentally ill
person because they are desperate to make sense of it all. Their minds
won’t allow it to be as horrible as it was and let it stand for what it
actually was: that mothers are just as, if not more so, violent and
abusive to their children. Her actions were real and immensely hurtful
and she knew what she was doing. She tried to drown her own child and
then denied it when that same child towered over her as an adult and
confronted her with it. She was faced with every abusive parent’s
eventuality: abused children grow up to be adult survivors. This would
be a good thing for the scumbag abusers out there today, reaping their
sickness on their own children (as if they had the right to), to
remember. You will reap what you sow, and rightfully so.
Your child will grow up and you and look at you with vacant eyes,
knowing (Re: remembering) what you represent to them. You will never
have your child’s love in the way you’d hoped and certainly not in the
way a non-abusive parent is cherished. You killed the soul capable of
that kind of love. Any love they do show you is superficial, even if
they aren’t aware of it. You ignore that stench of the past. In your
shame, you desperately wish it would disappear, all the while holding
their murdered soul in your hand. In their pain, they bury it deep.
You represent that deep chasm of pain they carry around which is torn
and re-healed every time they see your face. You may grow old and alone
and your grave may be lonely and unvisited. Perhaps they will be weak
like you and revisit the abuse on their children or return the favor and
abuse you when you are old and frail and dependent upon them. Perhaps
they will look after you thanks to some misplaced sense of duty, and
rough you up because they resent you. Perhaps they will be so
successful in burying what you did to them that they wouldn’t
consciously understand why they do what they do – but they will be as
culpable then as YOU are now. You’d be the burden with one big
difference. They were never responsible for bringing you into this
world and never owed you any duty of care.
In the end, you are but a link in the abuse chain that stretches
generations across your family tree. You will not stand out, and you
will not be remembered for making that change. Apologize all you like,
but you like the various child predators out there are all the same.
You, like them, preyed on the innocence, small physical stature,
dependence, and inability to protect oneself that comes with childhood.
You, dear abusive parent, are no different than the child molesters out
there who prey on others’ children, except that you preyed on your own.
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